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Let Kids Modify Vacation Plans

August 20, 2007 at 2:12 am | Posted in kids, Parenting, parents, travel plans, vacation | 1 Comment

Ahh, vacation. A time to relax, unwind and bond as a family.

Right?

Not always.

In the past, I used to make charts and timetables of what we would see and when we would see it. I used to spend weeks researching details about our travel destinations and make as many reservations as possible for dinners, shows, etc. Now I look back on that time, smile and think, “Wow, did I ever overdo it!” Control freak? Um, yeah. I’d say so.

So, over the years, I’ve really tried to lighten up. While I acknowledge the usefulness of the charts and schedules, I don’t think you can effectively vacation that way as the kids get older. When kids are little, they follow you anywhere and do so without question. As they get older, however, they start to wonder why they’re going where they’re going and often lobby for different destinations (especially when they’re on vacation).

When the kids want more of a say in the itinerary, we parents have a few options. First, we can surrender control and completely cave in to their demands. “Okay, sweetie, whatever you want.” We would then change things around and proceed to the new place without the benefit of hours of at home research. But that’s risky. You don’t know what to expect! What sounds good in a PR soundbite could be boring (or worse–freaky) when you actually experience it.

Alternatively, we can be complete control freaks and insist on the original travel plans (designed completely by us, of course). With stacks of research papers in hand (and maybe even some brochures sent in advance by the museum or other place of interest) you proceed to the original destination at the designated time, disregarding the kids’ points of view. Grumbling, disappointed and discouraged kids follow along like scolded puppies with tails between their legs.

Not an ideal situation. So what’s the third option?

Well, you can find some kind of compromise where you get information about the place the kids would like to see (i.e., ask a local or the hotel concierge or someone else with knowledge (or, if you’re really tech savvy, look it up on your iPhone or laptop)). Then, if it sounds like a good idea go ahead and change your plans and rearrange things on the schedule. Do you really have to go to that museum? Nah. So take it off the travel plan and replace it with the kids’ idea. Engage in a little compromise. The result? Your kids feel like you’ve heard them and you get a pass if the place stinks. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up in a place that’s a real winner and everyone will benefit.

It worked well for us this summer. DH and I set up the details for the plane, hotel and car and left everything else pretty open. Well, okay, I had a general outline and two tabbed guidebooks, but I was open to suggestions. Each night we looked through the brochures and guidebooks and, as a family, we talked about what worked and didn’t work, what family members liked and didn’t for each of the previous days and we collectively figured out what to do for the next day. We used the services of the concierge and did some online research. Also, after seeing some of the attractions, the kids’ levels of interest changed. So, in some cases they wanted to spend a lot more time in one spot, other times they didn’t want to go anywhere near the place. So we changed things around. Without incident. It was great. The kids felt like their opinions mattered and each day we had a plan. It worked well.

Now that we’re home, we all agree it was the best vacation yet.

Let All Ages of Kids Play Together

August 1, 2007 at 11:55 pm | Posted in difficult parents, kids, kids playing together, lessons, obnoxious parents, Parenting, parents | 1 Comment

What’s up with kids these days?

Or, perhaps more to the point, what’s up with the kids’ parents?

When I was growing up, as long as you were a kid, other kids would play with you. We’d quickly form a group and play simple games like four square, kick the can, basketball and tag or we would create games with imaginary lands, forts and castles. The typical range of ages would be about six years or so (where the youngest child was around seven or eight and the eldest was about 14. Everyone had fun. Age just wasn’t an issue.

And now?

Ten year old boys play with ten year old boys, eight year old girls play with eight year old girls. Thirteen year olds play with thirteen year olds. Parents lift their noses as if it’s a matter of pride for THEM and assert, “My son just doesn’t enjoy the company of younger boys. It’s just not something he’ll do.” Oh come on now. That’s ridiculous. What if he’s part of a family of five kids? He just won’t interact with any of the younger kids? I can just piture it, 11 year old Bobby says to his 9 year old brother, “Sorry, Charlie, you’re beneath me. I couldn’t possibly engage in activities more suited to children of your age and grade level.” Absurd.

Or, if it is true, how sad!

What about the concept of mentors? Leaders frequently mentor younger, less experienced professionals and take them under their wing, right? Some Montessori schools have combined classrooms which include kids from Kindergarten through sixth grade just for that very purpose. I’ve seen it in action and it was beautiful. The result? The sixth graders were confident, self assured, polite, considerate and helpful.

The boys I know whose parents pride themselves on this “I can’t be bothered with younger kids” stance are bossy, self centered, and inconsiderate. They’re otherwise kind hearted souls that, IMHO, are being led astray by adults who are trying to feed their own egos in some backhanded way. Somehow they think that makes their children more, I don’t know, what? More intellectual? Please. More mature? Also doesn’t compute for me.

I think these lousy attitudes are leading us down a path where we’ll end up with narcissistic, rude, egomaniacal adults who treat their coworkers, employees, supervisors, clients and/or customers badly.

I think we parents need to take responsibility for the enormous influence we have on our kids. We need to realize that what we say and do sinks into their minds and often gets spit right back out. Let kids be kids. Let them play and see what happens.

Today, at parents’ day at my kids’ summer camp, I observed my son playing tennis with about a dozen other kids of all ages. His team consisted of a few middle school aged kids (about four years older than DS), a couple of kids three years older and one boy who was a grade higher. They worked as a team, supported each other and interacted in a jovial, collegial manner. It was touching and encouraging.

That interaction gave me hope. Society hasn’t changed. I don’t think that that negative attitude is pervasive. I think it depends on the parents. I tell my kids to be gentle and kind to younger kids and to teach them whatever they can. I want them to guide them and support them, encourage them and value them. Then, when they’re older, I expect them to give the same kind of respect, compassion and kindness to people of all ages.

Doesn’t that seem reasonable?